He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
