Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
