Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
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