Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
