I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
