I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
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I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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