**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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