totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Randomize
