fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize