I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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