Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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