he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
