i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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