I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
