i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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