I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
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