i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
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