From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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