i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Randomize
