I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
