dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Randomize
