sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
