I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
