Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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