ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize