my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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