When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
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I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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