he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
