Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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