I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
No...this little piggys going to the bar
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I currently don't understand fingers.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
