So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
