The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
