Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
