then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
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