I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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