If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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