Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
