Just cropdusted the office
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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