I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
