Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
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