i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
