it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
