Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
