Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night