Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
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