what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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