I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
