Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
