i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
