mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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