my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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