Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
