If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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