eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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