I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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