I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
