Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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