I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
What drink are we having for lunch?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
