yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
