I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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