some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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