I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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