When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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