I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
