I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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