The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I need to sanitize my soul.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
