Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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