When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
