nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
