I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
