The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
