im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
someone owes me an orgasm
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
